I now formally declare December Zombie Awareness Month. December is the most hectic and family feuding month of the year. December is the dirtiest mouth month (clean it up with Orbit). Let me let my father explain. “SHI* DA*N THOSE FUC*ING CHRISTMAS LIGHTS! SH*T SH*T SH*T! FU*K DA*N SH*T!
Then, of course, the white lights must go around the christmas tree first. The WHITE lights must go around the center of the tree (thankfully, we have a real tree this year -oh goody- and I was doing homework while my parents suffered from Overly Excited About The Most Commercialized Holiday Ever syndrome. Especially from my dad, the atheist. Of course, me, the agnostic, cannot speak much.
And then of course there are the presents. Does anyone even remember why we give presents anymore? No. Let me tell you, It’s because the Three Wise Men gave presents to Jesus, the product of God and Mary) Then there are the fifty or so presents that are for a family that we see three, four times a year. Then there are the couple of presents for the actual family of the house, the ones who cussed enough for the rest of 2010.
Then there are the things that should be appreciated, that are more than enough for any words to explain. Like college tuition. Some kids just have it easy, their parents set them up with a college fund instead of buying boats. Their parents probably recognize their children’s independence at the right time, when their child’s judgement can be taken seriously. When their child has proven time and time again that she is mature. And when she tries to do her laundry, yet her parent snips at her for not putting it in the dryer fast enough. Not like she hasn’t put her parent’s clothes in the dryer numerous times before, or not like she hasn’t done laundry in a week. Or folded her parent’s laundry and set them neatly on the bed.
But, you know, whatever. All’s good.
Even though my happiness has again been hampered by your self-satisfying need for holiday and artificial attention. Love someone by loving them, not buying them Wii games. As the Beatles said, those wise, wise men, “Can’t buy me love.” Love someone by sacrificing your precious time once in a blue moon by your actions, not by the amount of books you can buy. You cannot put a price tag on a Silversun Pickups concert, the experience is more than enough. Although 30 dollars is too much. 25, easy. Good thing those tickets were 25 dollars. Saturday, the most free day of all the days of the week, is not even good enough for the parents. Would they like clear weather, 72 degrees, no traffic, no crowds, and free admittance? It’s not like you are only allowed to go Christmas shopping on Saturday from 4 in the afternoon to maybe three in the morning. You’ll wake up by ten on Sunday, eat breakfast with gradaddy, then be at the mall by 2, at the latest, shopping for whatever you didn’t get before four on Saturday. Oh, and may I remind you, no matter where we are on a weekend, we are always home by four. ALWAYS.
Your excuse, please.
“We’ll be too tired to take a four hour trip to Nashville, then be home at three.”
My rebuttal, if I will.
“Oh yes, because shopping for an hour (because we are rarely at the mall longer than an hour) is sooo exhausting. You sleep six hours on a good night. Therefore, if my math is correct, you will be in bed by three-thirty, therefore waking up around nine thirty, eating lunch/breakfast at ten-thirty, possibly eleven o’clock, getting back to his house at one, leaving an hour before I previously mentioned you would start to go shopping.
Thank you.
WHERE THE FREAK IS YOUR SPONTANITY?!
Do you like to sit at home and watch TV all day?
yes.
If you are at home watching TV Saturday, December, 19 by three o’clock in the afternoon, I am running away to live with Aunt Debbie.
